Boone Center for the Family

Holiday Visits Home

Holiday Visits Home:  Ironing the Wrinkles Out of Unrealistic Expectations
by Lucy Perrin, Assistant Director, Boone Center for the Family

College students and their parents often have differing notions of how holiday reunions will go, and the reality is sometimes worlds apart from the preconceived ideas of either.

“I took off work to spend time with my son on the first day of his visit home from college.  He slept until noon and then drove to visit his friends for the rest of the day! I think he was more excited to see the family car than he was to see me…”

“I was looking forward to Christmas break.  I wanted to get back and see my parents so badly, but when I actually got there, it was kind of a letdown. Home was no longer home the way I knew it before, and I was not the same person I had been when I left…”

Indeed, in most families, members find themselves renegotiating relationships and expectations during these visits. However, some issues can be anticipated and with early and careful communication, families may avoid some of the disappointment and conflict.  Here are some things to talk about:

Boundaries Recognizing the new found freedom your student has experienced, you may want to agree to a new curfew time, or you may decide that a curfew is not necessary.  Some parents merely ask their student to let them know what time she expects to be home.

Family Time Consult your newly returned student when making plans for family activities. Discuss visits to extended family or other family events, remembering especially during the first few visits home, students may want to reconnect with high school friends.  It may help to schedule family time together towards the end of your student’s visit home.

Expenses Because of the high cost of college and because students may be new to budgeting, finances may become a dominant theme during a student’s visit home.  Set a time to discuss money issues calmly and openly, clearly communicating the expenses you and your student will each be responsible to cover. 

Family Chores Parents and students should discuss expectations about household chores and family obligations early in the break.  Because the student has been away for a while, it will be helpful to list the areas where assistance is needed. At the very least, it is fair to expect your student to behave in the manner of a polite house guest while he is home.

Religious Services Remember that your student has experienced a good deal of independence while at school.  If it is important to you that your student attends religious services while she is at home, let her know why.  Some parents give their student this choice:  we’d like you to attend with us, but if you choose not to, we hope you will go somewhere.

Changes If there have been any dramatic changes in your life situation, carefully choose a time to tell your student in advance of the visit.  In the same way, ask your student if there are any new developments that you might need to know, such as piercings or a change in eating habits.  This gives time for reflection on the best way to handle any differences. Once he is home, be prepared to listen. Visits are a great time to hear about the new ideas, books and friends he has discovered at college.  Ask your student, “What’s happening in your life?”

For college students and their parents, visits home often bring into view the changes taking place across the miles. The time of transition can be challenging, but it is an opportunity to begin to smooth the way to an adult relationship the entire family will enjoy.

Sources:

Give Them Wings: Preparing for the Time Your Teens Leave Home by Carol Kuykendall, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Copyright 1994 by Carol Kuykendall

Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Levin Coburn, published by HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. Copyright 2003 by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger

“College Students and Parents” by Naomi Rockler-Gladen, published 2006, http://collegeuniversity.suite101.com

“Holiday Suggestions for Parents of College Students”, published in University Parent, University of Minnesota, www.parent.umn.edu